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Love and loathing on Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is upon us. This is the season of love.

Now, I could pay tribute to this celebration of affection by professing my love for Natalie Portman, but much like Raymond, everybody loves Natalie Portman. This column would therefore be useless to all that read it.

Rather, I am going to get creative and instead of talking about the things I love, I am going to discuss the things I loathe.

This is a very broad topic, ranging from country music to what the dry winter months do to my poor knuckles. So in the spirit of the season, I am going to keep it all about Valentine’s Day.

First of all, I really do not enjoy it when I receive a bouquet of roses from anonymous punks trying to cliche their way into my heart. The least they could do is take time to learn that my favorite flower is an orange tulip in full bloom.

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Of course, however rare of an occasion it is that I procure a floral arrangement from an unknown suitor, it does not change the fact that people these days are getting lazy. Not to demote the exotic wonder of vegetation, but if plants equal love, and love is "all that I can give to you" (Nat King Cole), than a bunch of shrubs are "all that I can give to you." Lovely.

Second, what is the deal with all of this chocolate? Sure, it tastes wonderful, but all that wonder goes straight to my hips.

How many people like to hear other people complain about their hips? Nobody, that’s who.

A far more practical approach would be to give chocolate milk in a heart-shaped box. That way, the milk will leak out of the box, the gift-giver can clean it up, and the gift-receiver will be swept off her feet at the sight of the gift-giver cleaning for once.

In the off chance that the gift-receiver is not impressed, the gift-giver can always say, "You’ve broken my heart," as the cardboard, heart-shaped box lays in shambles. One would then follow by taking his or her date to a fancy restaurant to drink chocolate milk to their hearts' desire.

Hopefully, I have given you lovers out there a few ideas to think about in the upcoming days until Feb. 14. All of the single people of the world remember: Valentine’s Day is just as good of a day as any to watch "Lord of the Rings."

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