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This anniversary calls for a New Years-like resolution

I broke with tradition and turned the calendar page before the first of the month.

There was a red circle around a date in early May, with the notation "Carla and Dan."

I’d made the note in December when the bank started giving away the new calendars. It’s my way of making sure I don’t forget any important dates during the coming year.

I often do anyway, but I’d like to think I’d remember something as important as our wedding anniversary.

But coming early in the month the way it does … and since I rarely change the page on the calendar before the first of the month (my personal record is the 13th, and I nearly missed Easter)… our anniversary often sneaks up on me. A fast-approaching deadline doesn’t make life any easier for someone who’s not a very inspired gift-giver anyway.


Helping hand

This year, I turned the page early and inadvertently bought myself some extra time.

Maybe this would be the year my anniversary gift was something other than a syrupy Hallmark card and a carry-out pizza.

The gift suggestion guide in the back of the calendar (there was also a table for converting Fahrenheit to Celsius, and a chart showing how many quarts are in a gallon) said our anniversary this year is midway between "crystal" and "China."

It wasn’t much help.

I’m impressed by anyone with the creativity and energy to do something elaborate for special occasions … a hot air balloon ride with expensive champagne, a weekend in New York with dinner at Spago or filling the Presidential Suite at the Waldorf with 17 dozen roses.

Those things all sound like fun, and I know they would make for a memorable anniversary.

But I’m not Spago and champagne. I’m popcorn and Red Box.


Carla has never complained about my lack of gift-giving originality, but with a few extra days to ponder our upcoming anniversary I came to realize that I need to do something special this year because … and you might find this hard to believe … life with me is no picnic:

• I don’t dance (I’ve been told that my dancing style is reminiscent of someone being attacked by fire ants).

• I think Adam Sandler is a genius.

• I haven’t caught on to the concept of a dirty clothes basket.

• Putting me in charge of making dinner for Steven means he’ll probably have seven Peeps and a can of Dr. Pepper.

• Cleaning the bathroom isn’t urgent because you’ll just have to do it again in four or five months.

• The stereo is only too loud if the curtains are moving.

Role reversal


I have feelings, but I have no desire to get in touch with them.

I did a mental role-reversal and tried to imagine life with me through Carla’s eyes, and I came to two conclusions: First, I’m lucky she hasn’t hit me with a rake handle. And second, I owe her a special anniversary gift this year, something that might come close to making up for years of dirty socks, football-filled Sundays and Pauly Shore movies.

A Lamborghini would come close, but it’s out of my price range.

I’ve finally come to a decision about the gift, and I think it’s a step in the right direction.

As the guys at Possum Lodge say, "I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."

I’m not going to go into detail because Carla reads this, too.

But if you happen to see us out on the town one of these weekends, don’t laugh.

I’m really not being attacked by fire ants.

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